Here’s a not-so-secret secret: not every couple is on the same page when it comes to intimacy.
One partner may feel ready and eager more often, while the other may need more emotional connection or downtime to feel in the mood. Sound familiar? You’re not alone.
Desire discrepancies in relationships are so common—like “almost every couple at some point” common. And the good news? It doesn’t mean your relationship is broken or doomed. It just means there’s a difference in needs, rhythms, and emotional cues.
And with a little curiosity, compassion, and a whole lot of communication, it’s something that can actually bring you closer.
So if you’re here to learn more about what’s “normal,” how to talk about it, and what improving intimacy really looks like, you’re already doing a beautiful thing for your relationship.
Let’s dive in.
How Do You Fix Lack of Intimacy?
First things first: “fixing” a lack of intimacy doesn’t mean forcing anything. It means understanding what’s underneath the disconnection and working together to rebuild closeness, trust, and yes—desire.
Here are a few places to start:
1. Have the Conversation—Kindly
This is where improving intimacy begins. Not during the heat of a conflict or right before bed, but in a calm, open moment. Be gentle. Avoid blame. Try using phrases like:
- “I’ve been feeling a little distant lately, and I miss you.”
- “Can we talk about how we’ve both been feeling around intimacy?”
The goal isn’t to solve it all at once—it’s to open the door.
2. Check for Stress, Exhaustion, or Life Overwhelm
Sometimes it’s not about each other, but about what’s happening around or within you. New jobs, parenting, mental health, medical conditions, body image issues—all of it can affect desire.
Take a step back and ask, “What’s going on outside the bedroom that could be impacting us in the bedroom?”
3. Rebuild Emotional Connection
Emotional intimacy is the foundation for physical closeness in many relationships. Little gestures—like eye contact, asking about each other’s day, or simply cuddling without expectations—can work wonders.
4. Get Curious, Not Critical
Ask your partner what helps them feel close, desired, or safe. Be open to hearing the answer without judgment. Improving intimacy isn’t about changing your partner—it’s about better understanding each other.
5. Consider Therapy (Yes, Really)
If the gap feels too big to bridge on your own, couples therapy or sex therapy can be incredibly helpful. A neutral third party can help you explore dynamics you might not see on your own—and teach you tools for reconnecting.
What Is the 72 Hour Intimacy Rule?
You may have heard of the 72 hour intimacy rule floating around on social media or relationship blogs. It’s not a law, but a fun and flexible guideline meant to keep connection a consistent priority.
The idea is simple: try to engage in some form of intimacy—physical or emotional—at least once every 72 hours.
That might mean:
- A make-out session on the couch
- A deep, uninterrupted conversation
- Holding hands on a walk
- Sex (if both partners feel ready and open)
- Expressing appreciation or sending a flirty text
The point? Keep the intimacy alive before the distance feels too wide. And remember—this isn’t about pressure. It’s about intention. Improving intimacy is often less about grand gestures and more about consistent connection.
What Are the 5 C’s of Intimacy?
We love a good framework, and the 5 C’s of intimacy are a beautiful reminder that true closeness is layered and multidimensional.
Here’s what they are:
- Communication – Honest, open dialogue about needs, boundaries, and desires
- Closeness – Physical touch, shared time, and affectionate gestures
- Connection – Feeling emotionally safe, supported, and understood
- Commitment – A shared desire to nurture the relationship
- Compassion – Kindness, patience, and grace during the ups and downs
When desire discrepancies show up, it can help to revisit these 5 C’s. Where are you both feeling strong? Where could you use more attention? Improving intimacy often starts outside the bedroom—by strengthening these foundational connections first.
How Can Intimacy Be Improved?
Ah, the golden question. The good news is there are so many ways to spark reconnection and rebuild desire. And most of them are small, doable, and deeply human.
1. Create “Touch Points” Throughout the Day
Little moments of connection—a hand on the back, a hug that lasts a few seconds longer, brushing shoulders in the kitchen—can keep the physical connection alive without pressure.
2. Schedule Intimacy (Really!)
We schedule everything else—why not intimacy? It might not sound sexy, but knowing you have protected time for closeness can reduce stress, especially for the lower-desire partner.
3. Experiment and Play
Desire often fades when things get too routine. Talk about fantasies, try something new, or explore other forms of pleasure and closeness. Improving intimacy means embracing curiosity, not perfection.
4. Remove the Goal of “Sex”
Intimacy doesn’t have to lead to sex every time. Take the pressure off. Focus on connection, pleasure, and simply being close. This can help rebuild safety and spark.
5. Prioritize Self-Care
Feeling disconnected from yourself can make it hard to feel connected to someone else. Sleep, movement, mental health, hormones—these all impact libido. You matter in this, too.
What’s Normal Anyway?
Let’s say it again for the people in the back: desire discrepancies are normal. One partner being in the mood more often than the other doesn’t mean you’re incompatible—it just means you have different drives, needs, and emotional wiring. That’s not a flaw. That’s humanity.
The goal isn’t to “sync up” perfectly. It’s to build a bridge of understanding and care between your different needs. To stay in conversation. To keep trying. To love each other, even when you’re not on the same page.
Because intimacy is less about performance and more about presence. And when you show up for each other with compassion and openness, you’re already improving intimacy in the most powerful way.
Final Thoughts: You’re Not Broken, and Neither Is Your Relationship
It’s easy to panic when intimacy shifts. To wonder what’s wrong, or who’s at fault. But the truth? These moments are invitations. To learn more about each other. To evolve. To create a new kind of closeness—one that’s honest, intentional, and even more beautiful than before.
So whether you’re the high-desire or low-desire partner, whether you’re feeling distant or just trying to deepen your bond, know this: your relationship is allowed to change.
And you’re allowed to keep growing together.
Improving intimacy isn’t about getting everything right. It’s about staying curious, being kind, and showing up—one conversation, one kiss, one gentle touch at a time.
You’ve got this. Together.
Looking for relationship support? Get started with Modern Insight Therapy.